Loving Neighbors

This past year has been an emotional roller coaster.  From family issues, to the death of my Dad in August, helping my mother, planning and doing the wedding of our oldest daughter, to the graduation and soon to be going off to college of our youngest daughter -- I think I have felt every emotion a person can feel.  It is amazing I am still standing, and I have no doubt that is, in-part, due to the people God has placed in my life!

Having never lost a relative as close to me as my Dad I was not sure how I would get through it.  Mom called us hysterical at 4:15 AM and she was a four and one-half hour drive away.  It was devastating! The love of family, and friends got us through, though.  It was amazing how a casserole, or bag of paper plates and ice in a cooler helped me feel the connection of others.  It was like a life jacket in a stormy sea.  Something tangible to keep you afloat!  

Since that first week, every holiday, throughout this year, someone, especially a dear high school friend, and a cousin, will send me a text or a Facebook message.  Just knowing they remember is helpful! Something so simple, but so encouraging and uplifting!

I know my Dad would NOT want us to stop our lives or fall apart.  My Mom, husband, and brother and I have discussed this many times.  So, on the occasion when I would fall into a pile of tears, someone has been there to hold me or hold my hand.  That is most often my husband.  What a special man he is!  But, it has also been friends at work.  There is nothing anyone can really do other than sit there and let it pass.  But the sitting or hugging or hand-holding is just what I need!

In the middle of this year of grief we ended up having a wedding to plan.  With our VERY middle-class budget, there was NO WAY we could spend tens-of-thousands on a wedding like our daughter's freinds so, we opted to do as much as we could ourselves.  We began in November, painting closet doors, collecting old windows, building boxes, and tables to diorite the reception area.  Then, we would scrap off some of the paint we had painted to make the doors look old…  It was a never-ending process and the wedding was always in the back of my mind.  The goal was to make everything look like Pintrest had "thrown" up at the wedding!  

The week before the wedding we went into high gear, and so did our precious friends and family.  Untold hours were spent, by those who love us and we love in return, chopping veggies, putting up tents and tables, arranging flowers, putting together the programs, and hanging lights.  We only THOUGHT we would do it ourselves!  We had an army of people that helped and there are no words to express the gratitude we felt and still feel! And, it did look like Pintrest had "thrown-up" everywhere! 

In the midst of all of this wedding-planning there was also the death of my grandmother (97 years old) to and the graduation of our youngest child (who by the way has a full scholarship to college) to grieve and celebrate. From October to April, I went on a nine hour car ride to see my grandmother and/or go to her funeral three times.  I also helped our child address and mail her graduation notices.  All of this while going to work day after day.  WOW!  

Thank goodness for an intern at work that was amazing and two other counselors that jumped in when I had to be out. Looking back it was only throughout he encouragement and support and help of our special friends and family that I made it thus far!

The love of and for others is what make our lives complete. God tells us to love our neighbor.   Well, I have been loved throughout this year!  It has kept me going and gotten me through thus far! It isn't how much money or how may cars you have! It is connections to people that make a life rich and full.  I must say, that I feel like the richest woman around!  

Hebrews 6:10

No One Ever Said IT was Going to be Easy!

No one ever said it was going to be easy!  What is IT?  Let me see:  life, parenting, marriage, being a professional, working a job, being the boss, quitting an addiction, dealing with emotional pain, dealing with physical pain, staying or getting into shape…  

When we are little, all we have to worry about is playing and doing the right things to stay out of trouble. And, even that isn't easy for some of us.  As we grow older, new and more challenging responsibilities come our way.  Middle school is more challenging than elementary; you have many teachers, lockers and social issues to deal with that were not a part of the younger years.  Academically, high school and college provide more responsibilities and challenges.  And, then, you get a job!  Every day the same thing:  Get up, get ready, go to work, come home, get ready for the next day, and get up to do it all again and again and again!  Babies mean there are bottles to wash and bags to pack and lunches to prepare.  Your kids go to school and you add homework.

I think that we have it so easy in the blessed country that we often think that EVERYTHING should be easy.  I know that I have been caught in the way of thinking.  If every day was easy, where would the joys of life come from?  WE have to deal with rude and selfish people to appreciate the awesome folks in our lives.  We have days of feeling physical pain and discomfort which can help us enjoy the good days.

Once, when all of our girls were little and I was teaching, had a dance studio, was active in church, and coached the high school dance team . Then, a curve was thrown my way that took the breath out of me.  WE had a child who was struggling with learning to read.  Now, that may not sound like a big deal, but this child had always been bright and observant.  She was a s sharp a a tack, but the words would NOT come.  In addition to that she had ADD with hyperactivity (some say ADHD) and the very thing she needed to do to overcome the dyslexia, focus, was a problem!

I cried, I prayed, and I begged God to take it away!  But, I also researched and learned as much as I could about the situation and how to best help her.  There were days through the 5th grade where she and I sat and did homework and reading and spelling for hours after school.  Did I want to teach all day and then come home and teach for two, three, or four hours in the evening?  NO!  But, that is what she needed to become successful.  So, I did it. I would cry and complain to friends and family about how hard it was.  Then, one day, a friend who is also a counselor, gave me a new perspective.  How?  She said, "Regina, I know it is hard, but no one ever said ti was going to be easy!"

Wow, it was like a slap in the face.  I had never thought about life like that.  Not easy.  No!  But, worth it!  I did some reevaluating of my life and decided that some things would have to go.  For me, it was the dance team.  Eventually, I gave up the dance studio, too.  Sometimes, we have to take a look at our lives and decide what we need to do.  Maybe, we need to let go of a relationship that is bringing us down.  Maybe, we need to change jobs.  Maybe, we need to deal with the hurts and pains in life that make us grouchy, mean, or keep up addicted to drugs or alcohol!  And, even that will not be easy.

In my counseling graduate school program, we were taught that people come to counselors because they feel badly and they want to feel better.  The problem is, as they told us in school, many people don't realize that they have much work to do in order to deal with the things that are causing them to feel badly and that can cause discomfort!  A lot of people do not go back when they discover this.  Even counseling is not easy!

As a school counselor and teacher and director of a non-profit that deal with teens and families, I hear parents complain.  Many times it is about the child not doing homework, or it could be a more serious issue and they are looking for advice.  After letting them know that I can tell that they are struggling I help them figure out ideas that work. For example: If the child is not doing homework, require them to have teachers sign the agenda and then send them to their room if it is not done!  They can come out for a ten minute meal and a ten minute bath and then back.  Will they learn the first time?  Maybe, maybe not!  But, eventually, if the parents are consistent and check and recheck and help them learn that they have to earn privileges like screen time (cell phone, TV, computer…) the child will grow up to be a responsible adult who is more likely to be able to deal with the challenges of life.  I warn the parents that "training up a child in the way he or she should go" is not going to be easy! But, it is the job of parents to do these things and worth it.

The same is true in a marriage.  Time, effort, flirting, dating, sharing household responsibilities, and communicating are required elements for a good marriage.  Too often, people get caught up in the details of life to do what needs to be done to keep a relationship healthy.  Taking time to learn about the other gender and working on the relationship is not easy, but it is very much worth it, if done.

So, what are you struggling with?  Find others to help you.  Read books or get on the internet for ideas.  The Bible teaches us that the things we struggle with and overcome are the things we can use to help others.  There is someone who has gone through some of the same issues you are dealing with.  They can help you.

Whatever you are struggling with does not mean your life is hopeless.  Dealing with the issues, taking stock of your situation, and making changes are NOT easy but can help you get to a better place.  Know this though: There will be other struggles to come.  But, that is what life is.  A fellow teacher had a quote on her wall that something like this, "We are are in a great struggle.  It is called life."  I love that!  Quotes help me to see the big picture, as does my Bible.  Knowing that everyone is struggling with something helps me to have more patience with folks and myself.  Yes, things can be difficult at times, but they can be AWESOME at times too!  I hope you choose to make the changes you need to make!  I hope I can continue to do so as well! Not easy, but YOU CAN DO IT IF YOU DECIDE TO!

What is YOUR gift?

My last blog took off and had a life of it's own.  I planned to write about being too hard on ourselves.  Instead, I ended up venting about people who are blind to both sides of very important issues in our society.

I get very frustrated at narrow-mindedness.  So, I had to get it out.  My family always told me that you need to pick sides.  That when you are in the middle you will be ran over.  I say, that when you are in the middle you can reach out to others who come to the middle and get some things done.  I believe it, so I say it. On top of that, I want to try to teach it!  That is a part of my very fiber.

I have the gifts of evangelism, teaching, and preaching, and creative communication.  This is according to two different gifts activities I have done through the years.  If you have never taken a gifts class or read a gifts book, then you may not understand what I mean.  In the Christian faith, we are taught, in the Bible (yes, I capitalize it!) that we all have gifts; not everyone can be a hand, a foot, or a head.  But, when the gifts of believers come together to be the Body of Christ, in this world, we can get things done -- This is what it means to be the hands and feet of Christ.  Anyway, there are things you can do to discover your gifts if you do not know them.  I have always known I have strength of compassion.  I have always been told I wear my feelings on my sleeves, that I am too sensitive, and care too much about others.  But, I didn't know about the evangelism, teaching, preaching and creative communication until 15 years ago or so.

Evangelism is the ability, almost NEED, to share what you know, feel, and believe.  I am always sharing facts about the body (I have a degree in biology and PE/Health), bacteria, something I read and so forth.  Joey and the girls call these "Regina's facts!"  :-)  I get so excited that I want you to know it too.  This is closely related to teaching, preaching, and creatively communicating.

If I understand it, I can teach it.  Don't know why, I just can.  Math, I do not understand, so I cannot teach that.  But, science, history, reading, writing… I understand.  I don't think I ever made anything but A's, and maybe a couple of B's, on the papers I wrote in undergrad and grad school.  I have taught all three of my girls and hundreds of biology and health students how to write a sound essay or or research paper, even though my degree was not English.  Now, I bet you have found mistakes, especially typos, I always prefer an editor because I am a big picture person and can look over details.  Details… NOT MY GIFT OR TALENT. Sharing, teaching, creating artistic dances, paintings, poems…Those are gifts or talents for me.  Teaching and sharing are in my blood.  Thus this blog.  I want to share the things I know and feel.  Maybe, by doing so, I can help someone, either with a problem or help them to think. All of the gifts above, strength of compassion, teaching a so forth can be put to use on the page!

Joey has the gift of administration.  He can keep things organized, scheduled, and under control (but not in an OCD, sick way).  I tease him about being a control freak.  He even laughs at the need to control things.  But, he doesn't do it to the point of being mean or pushy.  He just takes care of things!  He likes to, almost needs to take care of things. He also helps his girls take care of things.  A friend says Joey has been swimming in a river of estrogen since we had our first daughter.  But, he is calm and handles it.  The drama, the tears, the scatter-brained wife and couple of girls.  He is a born leader.  He is a thinker and a get 'er done kind of man!  And, yet he has a gift of patience.  He may not admit to it, but you live with three drama queen daughters and one drama queen wife and see if YOU have the patents for it.  We all adore him!  That says a lot.

Knowing our gifts as well as our weaknesses is important.  If you know what you are good at and then learn to accept the gifts and use those gifts, you will feel so much better about yourself.  Knowing your weaknesses will let you know when to ask for help so you will not royally screw something up and then beat yourself up for days, weeks or years! The Bible says that you can ask for gifts and that to you can receive more gifts as you perform well with the ones you start with.  That is the basis of the story of the talents.  The men who did something with their gifts/talents (money) were given more in which to be entrusted. The one who buried his, no go.  His were taken away.

As far as weaknesses, accept those too.  OOPH!  That would make you vulnerable.  Well, I have news for you!  WE ALL MESS UP!  WE ALL HAVE WEAKNESSES.  WE CANNOT DO EVERYTING!

ONe of the things I can't stand the most about myself is my scattered-ness. I get caught up in the NOW, and then forget what I want to do AND what I ought to do.  For example:  I  can have something on my calendar.  I can talk about it and plan for it and then forget five minutes before.  On Wednesdays, I have a memo that pops up on my calendar that I have bus duty the next day.  I stop, immediately, jot down a note,  and tape it to my purse.  Then, when I get in my car, I stick it to the radio and then come home and stick it to the coffee pot.  I even ask Joey to remind me (He has a steel trap in his brain for details like that).  This I do every week.  Why?  Because I forgot bus duty one week.  I was awake.  I could have been there, I just forgot.  It is a different routine than the other days.

I use post-it-notes religiously and love that my Outlook sends entries to my phone!  But, I still make mistakes and have to apologize and move on.  The good news is that I have learned to laugh about this weakness MOST OF THE TIME! And, so have the people who love me and know me best.

Strength of compassion can make others think you are too weak or too sensitive, because you wear your feelings on your sleeve.  It can also help you be an excellent counselor, teacher, nurse, or doctor.  The gift of service can help you make food for people that are sick or struggling.  That is the gift I want most, but thus far, with my scattered brain I don't remember until I am in bed or at work.  I get so caught up in the moment it is hard to for to think ahead.  I guess I could put things on my calendar and then tape a post-it to my purse!?!?

What are your gifts?  Do you know? Ask others.  They know you. You can think about the ways in which you have been complimented. Buy a book about gifts and talents.  Develop your gifts.  Share them, even if it means sharing about left and right wing issues that could make people get angry with you!

We could get into a debate as to which traits are gifts and which ones are talents.  I don't like to split hairs like that.  If you read my last blog you know that.  Gifts, talents, abilities… six one half a dozen the other. But, give yourself credit for your gifts.  Believe in your gifts.  they were given to you to use!  You are amazing.  You have gifts and experiences like no other person!  Yes, someone may have experienced this or that like you, but… YOU ARE THE ONLY YOU EVER!!! That is pretty amazing and awesome!

Right, left, right , wrong???

"Sometimes right or wrong is just a right or left."  I heard that years ago when I was trying to decide something.  It obviously was not a major "right or wrong" issue in my life.  For a while, I had made it out to be -- I can't even remember what I was agonizing over.  Anyway, a friend used the quote above and I stopped my agony and made a decision.  It's funny that I cannot remember the issue at hand BUT I do remember the quote and I use it with myself and others.

I am often amazed at people who can make statements in a matter-of-fact, right vs. wrong way when there are others who see the other side or sides of an issue.  It must be nice to live in a world where EVERYTHING is cut and dried, right or wrong, black or white! I guess life would be simple if we ALL could see right and wrong the same way, but we do not.  Life is actually full of many gray areas.

Don't get me started on the far left and the far right politics!  Too late!  Here I go!!!

There are some people who can only see it their way -- OR -- you must take the highway.  It's funny that the majority of Americans are somewhere in the middle, or right on some issues and left on others but the fringe tries so control EVERYONE else!

I have friends on the left with huge houses, who take frequent vacations, and/or have lots of toys! They think everyone should pay more taxes to help others.  Why don't they give more of what they have to needy?  Not to mention Al Gore, movie stars, and such who scream about helping the poor and about fossil fuels and then jet off in their jets.  Heck, even the First Lady and President Obama take two planes to the same location sometimes!  And before you say I am trashing this president, I bet other First Ladies and Presidents did too.  But did they have a mantra about Global Warming and  the poor having more and rich spreading the wealth! They eat caviar which is a rich person's food if I ever heard of one!

Some on the left would love for us to be a socialist or communist country.  Really?  What would they do if they had to stand in bread lines and couldn't have the world wide web or their cell phone and video games.  THOSE things come from a free market.  People driven to make money.  Not people who get hand outs!  What would they do if the government determined what the news shared with us?  Sounds like Russia or China to me!

I have other friends so far right they can't see around the corner!  They believe in "God and country" and NO abortion, BY-God, and less taxes, and let everyone, and I mean everyone buy a gun!  NOT a lot of empathy there.  As matter of fact, I have heard some FAR righties say we should just "nuke the Middle East.  They can't get along anyway.  That way we can turn all of that sand into glass and then take the oil for ourselves!" That is no better than the lefties hijacking the country and cramming socialist health-care down our throats!  Yes, we need to do something, but my husband works for the government.  I work for the state.  There are too many folks who work in these places that collect their check and DO NOT do their jobs!  The government isn't very efficient now is it?

The liberals have a motto of live like you want to live!  But, don't live like you want if you are conservative! Especially, if you are a conservative woman!

The conservatives tend to think you have to believe like them because they are so very right about EVERYTHING!  They ban together for now, but if they were solely in charge, they would begin to fragment and separate from other conservatives whose beliefs were not conservative enough or just like their own. Look at what they say about moderate conservatives! That is what happens in countries where the far right religious folks take control.

Seriously?  I am sick and tired of it all!!!

Don't get paid millions of dollars for movies and commercial endeavors and then come out in full support of the protestors at Wall Street!  Likewise, don't say you care about others and are a Christina and then not have the slightest bit of compassion for the illegal immigrants who have been here for years.

That is what I have been dealing with this week at my school counseling position.  Maybe that is why I am off in this diatribe?!

I HAVE SAT WITH CHILDREN and seen their heartbreak and tears!  White students and black students crying about their friends having to leave Alabama.  Hispanic students scared to death about moving back to a country they have NEVER known! Afraid that all of the states are going to have laws like this now. And, me, not having any words to comfort any of them.  When they ask why, I try to explain that the laws are there because illegals don't pay taxes but drain the system.  I try to help my kids who have illegal parents or are illegal too, that they can still chose to be the best they can be no matter where they live.  I try to tell both groups that they can stay connected via mail, email, the web.  But, that does't change or help their heartbreak! Mostly I listen and yes, sometimes cry with them. Most of our students do not even read Spanish!

"Well," I can hear some people now, "their parents are to blame!"  Blame for what?  Leaving a country with no hope and coming here to work hard and make a living?  Yes, I know that some are criminals.  So, when we catch those, let's send them home!  Yes, we need better border control!  But, we should do something to let the ones who have been here and been a part of this society, for years,  to become citizens.  What is wrong with that?  Yes, they came illegally.  Their country and our country may make it nearly impossible to come legally if you are very poor.  But they came for a better life!  All of us, unless we are Native American had family/ancestors that did the same thing.

I read articles in the paper where Alabama farmers can't get their crops picked.  That hurts the farmer and will hurt the buyer too! Are you ready to pay more for your veggies?  How about for the new houses you buy? Some of the labor is done by illegals!

Can't we find a middle ground?  A right and left instead of yelling about right and wrong.  If those illegals who have been here, had children here, and been productive law-abiding (with the exception of breaking the law by coming here), could have an option to become citizens, it would be the RIGHT thing to do.  Then, if they do not want citizenship they go home!  "Be American or leave!"  I can see that.  Temporary Visa, then OUT if you don't want citizenship! I can even see that. The far lefties and far righties need to meet in the middle and come up with a solution!

But, NO!  They are too busy trying to have it their way that all we do is fight and use tailing points.

How would you feel, if, suddenly, America was not a good place to live?  Pick a reason, any reason!  Would you be willing to pack your family up and move to another country to provide the good things that life can offer?  I would.  If the U. S. were to become unsafe, I would move "hell or high water" to be somewhere better! Even if I had to do it illegally!  For a home and food and an education for my family, YES I WOULD!

I don't have all of the answers.  I just see that we need to come up with a right or left because the Righties and Lefties are taking not right but WRONG!   COMPROMISE people!

It's funny.  This is not where I was headed with tis blog entry, but it is where I went?  HMMM?  Should I post and offend my left and right friends?  My heart says yes but my head says no.

I guess I'll just sum up by saying:  If you are fretting over some big decision.  Is it right or wrong?  Or, ask if maybe, it is left or right instead.  If you are a far leftie or rightie, try to move a little towards compromise.  Then, let's get the word out to the politicians that we want something done. Or, even better, lets get rid of all current politicians and start fresh in the next tow elections!? that is one reason I plan to vote for H. Cain for President.  He is new to the program!

Left says tax more.  I say, get rid of loop-holes so the filthy rich and huge corporations don't pay so little.  Right says get rid if illegals,  I say, let's let the ones who have been productive and hard working folks have a way to apply for citizenship!

Those are some right, no change that to, correct things to do.  Not rightie or leftie just correctie!

Live, laugh, love...

Live, laugh, love!

You see that on bumper stickers, shirts, dishes and more.  But, how many of us are doing that in our day to day lives?

There is a new commercial for Chevy trucks that is great!  A man asked another where he lives.  The guy asks him how he makes a living and the owner of the Chevy truck has flashes, of fishing trips, hauling lumber, pulling a boat and more.  The theme or message is that he lives life, lives work, and works life and that there is no separation between the two.

For 25 years I have worked with young people (kids, and teens) in public education and private endeavors.  The one things that you see with them is that they know how to have fun!  If we were to live like that once we become adults life would be so much more rewarding!

I can say, from experience, that fear and stress can trap you and suck the joy right out of your life.  When I was in my twenties fear consumed me for a couple of years.  Then, a few years ago, work and some people associated with work sucked the joy out of my life.  Also, the migraines I suffered because of the stress and such made me and my family miserable!  I had to learn and remind myself that I can only make my self so safe.  The rest was up to God.  I had to let the joy-sucking work-pace go and changed jobs.

As we become adults and are slammed with more and more responsibilities, we forget to take time for fun.  Couples who fall in love no longer flirt with each other.  Employees and employers no longer take time to play.  Friends forget to get together just to visit, laugh, and share.  Life becomes a chore instead of something to cherish!

The movie, "Second Hand Lion"  or is it "Lions," is about a orphaned boy who has to live with two older uncles.  The overall message of the film is that living a full life is important.  The lion that arrives in a large wooden crate dies at some point while being out and about.  One of the uncles tells the boy that "…at least she died with her 'boots' on!"  In the end, the uncles do the same while attempting to fly a plane.  The boy is grown and instead of being sad at the tragedy, realizes that his uncles died living life to its fullest.

About 8 years ago, Joey, you know Joey, he's my precious gift from God (my husband) bought his first Harley.  He took me to dinner the first time I rode with him and I was scarred to death!  Seriously, I was crying my eyes out!  I prayed that God would take the fear away so Joey and I could enjoy the bike and have much fellowship and laughs on it.  Now, I LOVE TO RIDE!  I tell our girls that, should something happen to us while we are on the bike, that they should get some relief knowing that we were having fun! That, if we die on it, at least we would do it with our boots on.

I never thought I would be a biker chick and here I am.  It's like getting to dress up for Halloween all year long! WE were our leather chaps, do-rags, Harley shirts, and cowboy hats.  We have made some amazing friends and get together with them almost every week, with or without being on our bikes.  We watch college ball together almost every Saturday, share birthdays, and go on trips.  The fellowship is great and much laughter is shared.  We even help each other with home projects, and troubles in life.

A friend, who passed away from breast cancer (she and her husband biked with us) said that the original diagnosis helped her to"live like she was dying."  That is from a country song.  She was free from cancer for 7 or 8 years.  It came back and killed her, but she didn't want us to treat her any differently.  She never told us it was as bad as it was.  It would be a different world if we all had that attitude. Live as much and as often as you can.  Laugh often and deeply with good friends and family that you love!

Then, when you go… your light will be missed!

 Yes, life is a struggle and we all have things to overcome.  But, are you battling or losing?  Have you given up?  Are you living with your boots on?  I want to do that.  Live MORE.  Laugh MORE… and LOVE with everything I have!

"I have anger issues!"

"I have anger issues!"


"I have fallen and I can't get up!"  Most of us know this statement from commercials about a device you can use to make a call if you are injured and cannot get to the phone. It is a statement that means what it says.  But, when someone says they have anger issues, what they really should say is,  "I have choice issues!"

That's right.  Anger is normal, but the way we respond can cause damage to ourselves AND others! So, when you explode, break things, or avoid saying ANYTHING, you choose that behavior!  The anger -you don't choose, that is natural - The behavior -- YOU CHOOSE!

When we become angry we go into a "Fight or Flight" response.  Think about the mouse you see in the kitchen.  He sees you and you are BIG.  His heart races, his adrenaline kicks in, breathing cranks up and he chooses to RUN!  We would do the same thing if a tiger walks into our yard.  But, you back that mouse into a corner, or be backed into a corner with the tiger.  The result is a fight for your life.  You would bite, scratch, hit!  You will fight if necessary!

Anger causes a reaction like that.  There is an increase in the adrenaline, blood-sugar levels and blood flow to the motor controls of the brain.  That means heart pumping, eyes alert, and more clotting factors, just in case you are injured.  That also means less blood to the thinking/reasoning parts of the brain.  So, you have to know what is happening and do things to slow this down before you can't think or go into a blind rage!  You need to breath to increase oxygen levels for the blood that is going to the reasoning centers.  You need to tense up to burn the adrenaline and sugar. You need to plan ahead so that you know what to do and recognize the signs...

There are three natural tendencies when we become angry: aggressive behavior, passive behavior, or passive-agressive behavior.  The natural response to anger can usually be identified in toddlers.  The ones that bite, hit, throw tantrums are aggressive or passive aggressive.  The ones that just cry when someone takes away a toy or when someone hits them is usually passive.  So, what does that mean?

Aggressive people are like Taz (the Tasmanian Devil).  He goes around like a tornado slinging stuff everywhere.  General destruction is the name of the game and aggressive people are very much like that. When angry they "vomit" their anger upon anyone around.  They yell.  They break things.  They hit.  They say cruel things just to hurt.  Passive-Aggressive people will often do the same things - More about them later.

Aggressive folks go from zero to 100 in tow-point-two-seconds.  They have a short fuse. They may feel guilt once the anger subsides but they may have done terrible damage to others and property.  Basically, they didn't solve anything.  The thing that made them angry is still there and they have created a new problem.  That is the case with all of the natural tendencies.

Passive people avoid conflict at all costs.  They get angry but just don't say anything.  They take it and take it and take it.  Think of someone letting others put a red stamp (postage style) on them.  Think about how difficult life would be covered in years and years of red, postage-like stamps.  There you would be with layer upon layer of these red sticky things.  These stamps could incapacitate you; they would bind you up.  This is what happens to the passive person.  They might even end up thinking they deserve the abuses and/or have no idea how to stand up for themselves! They walk around trying to be good enough.

Most of the people I know are passive-aggressive (PA).  I the dot be PA and one daughter as well.  My husband tends to be passive, and one daughter tends to be aggressive.  Though I haven't done research on this subject, my experience in dealing with thousands of students, clients, and people in general, has been about that same ratio.

Us PA's tend to collect red stamps like the passive Homo sapiens, then cash them all in over some incident at some point.  For example:  My kids give me trouble getting ready for school, then the traffic is terrible, then, the day is hectic.  I come home and one of my kids accidentally spills his milk and I come UNGLUED!  I may yell at him, slap him, or both.  All of this over spilled milk?!  No, it the casting off of all of those red stamps through out the day.

PA's can also be aggressive in underhanded ways.  Maybe, your boyfriend is dating someone new.  This makes you mad.  So, you go out and "key" (that means scratch why paint with your key) his car or maybe his car and her car!  That will get them! NOT!!!

With adolescent girls, you see a lot of PA behavior displayed in a different way.  They will often get mad at a friend.  Then spread rumors about that person or neglect them or try to get others to be mad too. Boys do not tend to show anger this way quite as badly but they will do it.  I have had male students make up lies about what another boy did to him.  They will even bring in witnesses.  Then, once I dig around, I discover that they completely created the story because they were mad at the  kid.

If you imagine cartoon characters like the Taz for the aggressive people, Eeyor covered in red stamps that are thicker and thicker and thicker as he goes through life you can get a pretty good image of what those two are like. The PAs would be more like Coyote.  He would be collecting his anger stamps then cashing them all in after a time.  He may do it in an underhanded way.  This would similar to they way he tries to sneak  around with his creations to catch Roadrunner. Or, it maybe there would be an explosion of rage like one of Coyote's explosions.  Coyote's explosions only hurt Coyote.  Our explosions end up hurting others.

Adults usually tell their kids to do one of two things if someone is mean to them:  1. Be mean back OR 2. Ignore it and walk away.  What they are really saying is be aggressive or passive!  As stead above, neither of these solve the problem.  They create new problems. We should learn and CHOOSE to be assertive!  Take up for your self in a calm and level headed manner by using "I" statements with words that express feelings!  These statements can be repeated and repeated until the conflict burns out. So, lets look at some ways of being assertive:

• You are a kid and Mom is yelling and fussing about you forgetting your chores.   You can say, "I am sorry I didn't do what I was supposed to do.  I know that being responsible AND the care of our home is important to you.  I am doing it right now". No matter how much Mom gripes, you keep repeating these sentences over and over WITHOUT being a smarty-pants!
• Someone at work is getting on your last nerve.  They butt into everyone's business and can make picky comments that let every one know they are being judged as "lacking".  You can go to them and ask to speak to them privately.  Say things like: "We have to work together and I feel like … and I was hoping we could work together in a more peaceful way". You might even ask if you have done anything that offended them.  If so, you can apologize and come to a working relationship.
• Your spouse doesn't do what you want, or is hurtful, or neglectful or aggressive.  Wait until a calm moment and ask to share something, and say things like, "When such and such happens I feel…" Or "I feel overloaded and wish I could count on you to help…"

Remember to REPEAT the statements if they respond is a negative way. By using the I statements you keep from making the other person feel attacked.  Think about it, if you DO ARGUE with your spouse, you are usually saying how you feel but in a way that is attacking.  For example:

• "You never help me around the house!  You are lazy and I can't stand you…"
• "You are selfish!  You want to go out with your friends, I never get to go anywhere"!

Neither partner hears the other one and eventually hurtful things are said and/or done.  By using these "I" statements you are letting the other person know how you feel while maintaining your dignity.

Since learning this and choosing it - MOST OF THE TIME - it has made a huge difference in my life.  I grew up in a home that was full aggressive words and behaviors.  Name calling and such.  I had learned the same behaviors.  I almost lost Joey, you know Joey, my husband, my gift from God--Anyway, I almost lost him after we picked out a ring and set a date for our marriage. 

As I said above, that I tend to be PA.  We went out one night and something ticked me off.  I must not have been very big, because I cannot remember what it was.  I barked at Joey and told him to take me home.  He shrugged, being the passive person he is, and took me home.  I pouted and gave him the silent treatment all the way home with the exception of some huffing a puffing.  He ignored all of this.  As I got out of the car I felt the need to take a jab at him so I said, "I don't know if we should date anymore, better less get married!"  I promptly slammed said car door and marched off.

Flash to the next morning.  I wake up and give him and call.  I have not longer mad and ready to move on. He is distant and says, "I can't do this.  I can't live like this.  I am done."  He didn't yell, he didn't call me names.  Instead of being passive and taking it and taking it, he was assertive.  He used "I" statements to let me know how he felt.  I was crushed! For three months he went and hung out with friends and left me alone.  I begged, I apologized, to no avail!  Abusive men and women do that too.  They may cause a black eye or break bones then "I am sorry" and Please, please, PLEASE take me back" is supposed to wipe everything away!  Anyway, he stood firm until he thought I might be out with someone then he changed his mind.  I have told him I would make a covenant to walk away and calm down.  I had told him I would learn to communicate in a non-aggressive way.

Once we were back together and the wedding back on, I asked him to come up with ONE word that he could say if he saw me LOOSING it.  He looked at me calmly and said, Farfagnuten"! I have no idea how to spell it.  I had heard in on some commercial.  When he said that, I burst into laughter.  But, I am proud to say, he has never had to say that to me.  Am I perfect, NO!  But I can keep myself under control most of the time ANd I don't threaten to leave him in the process!

I have taught our daughters how to handle their anger and they will call me out in a heartbeat.  If I am griping at one of them, and they know they haven't done anything to deserve such a tongue-lashing, they will calmly use an I statement.  Just last year, I started to yap at our youngest.  She looked at me and said, "Mom, I am not the one you are mad at.  You are mad at Holly, not me".  And, she was right! Out of the mouths of babes.  But, I was glad she could take up for herself even if the other person had more power!

Learning to be assertive is a life-long process, but it is one that can make your life sooooo much more peaceful.  Joey and I disagree, but we DO NOT yell and scream and call each other names!  My girls have no idea what seeing your parents fight is like!  I have learned to be assertive with coworkers too.  Instead of holding things in until I explode either at work or home, I go to the person(s) and tell them how I feel.  Some take it well and others NOT.  The ones with a true since of self - the mentally and socially and emotionally healthy ones, are able to work things out and keep on working.  The sad thing is that there are too may people who do not have good mental/social/emotional health.  But, that is another topic!

Is anger okay?

I am a school counselor and also I see clients in private therapy.  When I ask clients and students if anger is okay the answers are interesting.  The majority answer with a resounding, “NO!!!”  A few say that yes, anger is okay.  And, many shrug because they are not sure.

Let me answer that question:  Yes, anger is okay.  It is unavoidable.  It is a normal human emotion.  It is a part of our lives!  But, the problem lies, not in the anger, but in our way of responding when we are angry. I have heard many students, parents, and clients say that they have anger problems and/or anger issues. My response is to teach them what is under anger, our natural responses to anger and then how to choose assertiveness. After that, they excuses of having anger problems becomes an excuse of having a choice problem!  Lets look at what is underneath our anger.

In addition to our basic physiological needs such as water, food, rest, sleep and so forth, humans have emotional, social, and mental needs.  Abraham Maslow came up with the Hierarchy of Basic Human Needs.  It is a pyramid with physiological needs at the bottom, then safety, affiliation, self-esteem, and then the point, self-actualization.  These levels move up the triangle or pyramid as sequential steps or levels. As we reach each need in positive and healthy ways, we can work on reaching the next level in a strong and positive way.

At the base of the pyramid are the physiological needs.  These are the needs we use to sustain life.  We can reach these needs negatively by eating pizza, burgers, chips and candy and drinking nothing but caffeinated tea and sodas, and sleeping but not the seven to eight hours suggested. The foods, mentioned above, do not help us live the best and the healthiest of lives.  Our bodies need exercise, WATER, and fruits and veggies to work at an optimal level.  We are fine machines that need excellent care. When we eat a healthy diet, exercise, sleep well, and so forth, our bodies respond well.

The next three levels are safety, affiliation and self-esteem respectively.  The need for safety can trap people.  Fear can overcome their life and they end up not "living" at all because they are afraid of germs, accidents, closed in spaces, or even leaving their own house.  I know about this because, when I was in my twenties, I suffered from panic attacks.  Suddenly, my heart would pound uncontrollably and flip in my chest and then fly away with shallow, fast beats.  My left arm would hurt and/or go number.  This would scare the YOU-KNOW-WHAT out of me which would trigger more adrenaline and the cycle would grow until I was in a complete state of panic.  It felt like death was imminent AND that I was going crazy at the same time. 

I eventually discovered that I had mitral valve prolapse with lead to me discovering that mitral valve prolapse is one of many symptoms when a person has dysautonomia (find more info on the web).  That basically means a messed up autonomic nervous system that controls heart rate, bloom pressure, digestion, and other unconscious body systems. I began to be afraid of being afraid!  FEAR (fantasied experience appearing real) was controlling my life.  I finally, learned to rest in the fact that I can only make myself so safe.  

Spiritual hope had a great deal to do with that.  The World Health Organization (WHO) states that true health has five parts: physical, mental, emotional, social and spiritual, so hope in God was and is beyond explanation!  My husband and I ride a motorcycle now! I refuse to be controlled by fear!

After safety the next need is affiliation.  WE NEED TO BE CONNECTED TO OTHER PEOPLE! To be loved and to love! Once again, we can meet this need by joining groups that are bound by haet.  Gangs like the KKK, Skin Head, Crips, Bloods and so forth are bound by the hate they have for other groups.   On there other hand, we get this need met in positive ways by having families and friends that are supportive and loving and that encourage appropriate manners, responsibility, and good social skills. 

The third level is the need for self-esteem.  This term is thrown around a great deal in education and counseling.  To hold someone or something in high esteem means to have a deep respect for that person or thing.  When this need is met in a positive way, we learn to have true respect for who we are and what we do and what we stand for. Can you write a list of 20 things you like about yourself?  Not that you have nice clothes or pretty eyes -- Character traits... kind, considerate, good work ethic, determined, energetic, funny, and so forth.  Most of the students and clients I work with have a hard time coming up with five.  They may be the most selfish and self-centered person, but they DO NOT REALLY like who they are!  

Babies are self-centered.  WHaaaa!  I'm hungry!  WHEEEEAAA!  I am dirty!  WHAAAEEA!  I want you to hold me!  We have to be trained to wait for gratification (See Parenting Style post).  Self-esteem grows as we make appropriate choices, are trained to be responsible and are told we are doing well, either by others, or we come to the realization ourselves!

Bullies, bully because they need to suck the power from someone else to feel better about themselves.  This may not be a conscious decision, but a person who has good overall health as defined by WHO does not feel the need to be cruel or make fun of others!  BTW empathy CAN be taught.  Having talks about how another person would feel helps kids become teens and then adults that can :walk in someone else's shoes." Teaching kids to stand up for themselves AND others without aggression will help them develop good social and emotional health.

The top of the hierarchy is self-actualization.  The root word is actual.  This means you know your ACTUAL self.  You accept your weaknesses, are willing to admit them and continue to work on them.  You know your strengths and continue to develop those.  And, you encourage others to be the best they can be while working on that yourself.

   

Most people agree with Maslow's chart but add that he forgot to add the need for fun/entertainment.

So, BACK TO ANGER>>>

The three central areas of safety (security), affiliation (acceptance), and self-esteem (significance) are the things we are striving for each day!  WE ARE SEARCHING FOR SIGNIFICANCE, ACCEPTANCE AND SECURITY! When something or someone effects My significance, acceptance or security I get mad.  If a car pulls out in front of me, my safety is affected and often by significance.  I honk the horn, throw up a "choice" finger, roll down the window and curse them out, or now-a-days, pull out a gun and shoot them.  I think, "How dare they pull out in font of me!"  That person effected my significance.

If I am a parent and my child does something inappropriate and all of a sudden I am yelling or slapping them (different from controlled corporal punishment), the question is why?  I may be worried about my child's safety and weather he/she will be accepted and significant in this world.  I may be scared that I am not parenting well enough or he/she wouldn't do this or would do that if I could parent better (my security, acceptance AND significance has been affected).   

So, when we are angry, it is because, underneath, there is something we care about:

Anger

I care about security, acceptance and significance of me and loved ones

My next blog will talk about our Natural Tendency once we become angry.  Anger is normal, but how we respond can cause damage to ourselves and others!