Is anger okay?

I am a school counselor and also I see clients in private therapy.  When I ask clients and students if anger is okay the answers are interesting.  The majority answer with a resounding, “NO!!!”  A few say that yes, anger is okay.  And, many shrug because they are not sure.

Let me answer that question:  Yes, anger is okay.  It is unavoidable.  It is a normal human emotion.  It is a part of our lives!  But, the problem lies, not in the anger, but in our way of responding when we are angry. I have heard many students, parents, and clients say that they have anger problems and/or anger issues. My response is to teach them what is under anger, our natural responses to anger and then how to choose assertiveness. After that, they excuses of having anger problems becomes an excuse of having a choice problem!  Lets look at what is underneath our anger.

In addition to our basic physiological needs such as water, food, rest, sleep and so forth, humans have emotional, social, and mental needs.  Abraham Maslow came up with the Hierarchy of Basic Human Needs.  It is a pyramid with physiological needs at the bottom, then safety, affiliation, self-esteem, and then the point, self-actualization.  These levels move up the triangle or pyramid as sequential steps or levels. As we reach each need in positive and healthy ways, we can work on reaching the next level in a strong and positive way.

At the base of the pyramid are the physiological needs.  These are the needs we use to sustain life.  We can reach these needs negatively by eating pizza, burgers, chips and candy and drinking nothing but caffeinated tea and sodas, and sleeping but not the seven to eight hours suggested. The foods, mentioned above, do not help us live the best and the healthiest of lives.  Our bodies need exercise, WATER, and fruits and veggies to work at an optimal level.  We are fine machines that need excellent care. When we eat a healthy diet, exercise, sleep well, and so forth, our bodies respond well.

The next three levels are safety, affiliation and self-esteem respectively.  The need for safety can trap people.  Fear can overcome their life and they end up not "living" at all because they are afraid of germs, accidents, closed in spaces, or even leaving their own house.  I know about this because, when I was in my twenties, I suffered from panic attacks.  Suddenly, my heart would pound uncontrollably and flip in my chest and then fly away with shallow, fast beats.  My left arm would hurt and/or go number.  This would scare the YOU-KNOW-WHAT out of me which would trigger more adrenaline and the cycle would grow until I was in a complete state of panic.  It felt like death was imminent AND that I was going crazy at the same time. 

I eventually discovered that I had mitral valve prolapse with lead to me discovering that mitral valve prolapse is one of many symptoms when a person has dysautonomia (find more info on the web).  That basically means a messed up autonomic nervous system that controls heart rate, bloom pressure, digestion, and other unconscious body systems. I began to be afraid of being afraid!  FEAR (fantasied experience appearing real) was controlling my life.  I finally, learned to rest in the fact that I can only make myself so safe.  

Spiritual hope had a great deal to do with that.  The World Health Organization (WHO) states that true health has five parts: physical, mental, emotional, social and spiritual, so hope in God was and is beyond explanation!  My husband and I ride a motorcycle now! I refuse to be controlled by fear!

After safety the next need is affiliation.  WE NEED TO BE CONNECTED TO OTHER PEOPLE! To be loved and to love! Once again, we can meet this need by joining groups that are bound by haet.  Gangs like the KKK, Skin Head, Crips, Bloods and so forth are bound by the hate they have for other groups.   On there other hand, we get this need met in positive ways by having families and friends that are supportive and loving and that encourage appropriate manners, responsibility, and good social skills. 

The third level is the need for self-esteem.  This term is thrown around a great deal in education and counseling.  To hold someone or something in high esteem means to have a deep respect for that person or thing.  When this need is met in a positive way, we learn to have true respect for who we are and what we do and what we stand for. Can you write a list of 20 things you like about yourself?  Not that you have nice clothes or pretty eyes -- Character traits... kind, considerate, good work ethic, determined, energetic, funny, and so forth.  Most of the students and clients I work with have a hard time coming up with five.  They may be the most selfish and self-centered person, but they DO NOT REALLY like who they are!  

Babies are self-centered.  WHaaaa!  I'm hungry!  WHEEEEAAA!  I am dirty!  WHAAAEEA!  I want you to hold me!  We have to be trained to wait for gratification (See Parenting Style post).  Self-esteem grows as we make appropriate choices, are trained to be responsible and are told we are doing well, either by others, or we come to the realization ourselves!

Bullies, bully because they need to suck the power from someone else to feel better about themselves.  This may not be a conscious decision, but a person who has good overall health as defined by WHO does not feel the need to be cruel or make fun of others!  BTW empathy CAN be taught.  Having talks about how another person would feel helps kids become teens and then adults that can :walk in someone else's shoes." Teaching kids to stand up for themselves AND others without aggression will help them develop good social and emotional health.

The top of the hierarchy is self-actualization.  The root word is actual.  This means you know your ACTUAL self.  You accept your weaknesses, are willing to admit them and continue to work on them.  You know your strengths and continue to develop those.  And, you encourage others to be the best they can be while working on that yourself.

   

Most people agree with Maslow's chart but add that he forgot to add the need for fun/entertainment.

So, BACK TO ANGER>>>

The three central areas of safety (security), affiliation (acceptance), and self-esteem (significance) are the things we are striving for each day!  WE ARE SEARCHING FOR SIGNIFICANCE, ACCEPTANCE AND SECURITY! When something or someone effects My significance, acceptance or security I get mad.  If a car pulls out in front of me, my safety is affected and often by significance.  I honk the horn, throw up a "choice" finger, roll down the window and curse them out, or now-a-days, pull out a gun and shoot them.  I think, "How dare they pull out in font of me!"  That person effected my significance.

If I am a parent and my child does something inappropriate and all of a sudden I am yelling or slapping them (different from controlled corporal punishment), the question is why?  I may be worried about my child's safety and weather he/she will be accepted and significant in this world.  I may be scared that I am not parenting well enough or he/she wouldn't do this or would do that if I could parent better (my security, acceptance AND significance has been affected).   

So, when we are angry, it is because, underneath, there is something we care about:

Anger

I care about security, acceptance and significance of me and loved ones

My next blog will talk about our Natural Tendency once we become angry.  Anger is normal, but how we respond can cause damage to ourselves and others!