We have a child and love it more than words can express, then give in at the grocery store when, at two, he is crying and whiney for candy. At first the answer was "No" because I know that he needs to eat lunch within the half hour. Then the whining starts and I still say, "No." But, then the FULL OUT crying fit begins. In the heat of embarrassment, because all eyes have turned to the annoying child, I shut him up. It is easy, hand him the candy!
What did he learn? His thinking--When I was noisy I got what I wanted. Without notice, this becomes something that happens more and more at the store, at home, at the ball park, at WHEREVER we go. By the time he is in middle school, he has no concept of the meaning of the word NO! And, we can't figure out how that could happen! It frustrates me to no end, but I keep giving in. Why, because the arguments are HORRIBLE and I don't have the time or energy! I keep hoping he will outgrow this...
A little at a time is how the affair with the woman at work begins. An innocent conversation, a flirt hear, a smile there, a lunch "meeting," a hint at more, then, you have broken a vow you made before God and creation! But, unless you are just a person who is selfish, like the little boy above, this is NOT how you intended to live life -- married but cheating?!?!?!
Your marriage probably has been going south, a little at a time, for a while. Back when you were dating, there was flirting, gifts, special evenings out. But, for some reason all of this ended after you got married. Or, maybe it was after you had a child. No more dates, no more little gifts, very little, if any, intimacy! Was it because, since you were married, there was no need to do those things? Or, maybe, you were so busy DOING stuff (work, church, house-care, child-care) that you forgot to LIVE LIFE?
Then... that woman at work seemed interested in you! So, a little at a time you withdrew from your wife more and more than before. Yes, she can be a B______ at times. Have you thought that this could be because she misses the "old YOU?" That, she too, is miserable and doesn't know what to do about it?
Much like the little boy we looked at above, people often whine when things are not going their way, and others just think they are being bi-otch if they are female and aggressive if they are male! Take some time and look at your life. Yes, stop and smell the roses. Yes, live life to its fullest. But, before you can do those things, you need to take an inventory of where you are NOW! Where is the love? Where is the fun?
Did you know that pilots who use autopilot still have to keep check on the route? The winds and currents that happen in the real world effect the plane's path and the computer may not realize this. A little adjustment here and there and the plane will end up in a good place -- the place you wanted it to be!
Our lives are like that. We need to take stock of what is happening and how we can make it better. If flirting worked while you are dating, then it will be just as effective with your spouse! If you learned the meaning of the word "No" when you were little, because you didn't get everything you wanted, then, that is how your child will learn it too! Hearing the word NO is NOT fun but it is important to learning that we cannot have everything we want. Even if you are VERY, filthy, billionare-ish RiCH, you don't get everything you want!
Look at these items and take stock in your own life:
- The ONLY thing special or different between you and your spouse's relationship and that with any other person of the opposite sex, is sexual intimacy! As a woman, I can have many male friends, but THAT one thing is for my husband alone! That intimate act is what sets your relationship apart from all others!
- Ladies, men NEED sexual intimacy like food or water! A man can be furious with his wife, and in MOST cases, will still be intimate with her.
- Men, ladies need to be encouraged and helped in the day-to-day duties around the house if she is to have energy for intimacy with you!
- Then, take your time and find out how to please her! There is plenty of places to get the information.
- Ladies, if your husband is trying to help by bathing the kids, changing diapers, doing the dishes, or dusting furniture, DON'T complain about the way he does it. Thank him and praise him.
- Men, if she DOES complain about the way you do things, gently remind her that you are doing your best and that the goal is to do more together! But, keep helping!
- Question: Is my spouse the most important person in my life? Hint: He/She should be number one in your life. The kids should be your number-one together! The most important relationship in the home is that between Mom and Dad!
- How long has it been since you and your spouse had a real date?
- As far as your kids: Do they get what they want when they throw a fit? If so, ONLY you can change that!
- Do you try to mix love AND discipline with your kids? See "Parenting Styles" Blog
- Do your kids know that you say what you mean and mean what you say?
- Do your kids had daily AND weekly CHORES? They live in the home they should contribute tot the home!
My husband, Joey, and I have been together for more than a quarter of a century. He is my best friend, lover, and father of OUR children. I love him, now, more than when we got married, and that seemed impossible at the time! We LOVE doing things together and rarely are apart. He was gone for a full week on a mission trip this past summer and that was the first time we had been apart for more and two or three nights (which doesn't happen often).
I cannot tell you how often people make comments about our relationship. One young adult said, "Wow, y'all really like each other!?" It was a flattering statement and sad at the same time. Far too may marriages consist of two people who do NOT like each other any more, or, really, don't know each other any more! It is never too late though!!!
How did Joey and I get here?
The answer to that is long, but there were some things we learned, early, that helped:
- Men communicate with jokes pointed toward each other. If I had an issue and turned it into a joke instead of a gripe, it worked better. Joey would often use the same joke!
- That is NOT to say I never complained about issues. But, even then, I tried to go in with a written list and I did my best to speek in "I feel" and "I wish" statements.
- He responded well to being praised, both in private and public settings.
- He really needed sex and I was the one to have it with him!
- He learned that my emotions could be a bit higher at certain times of the month. If I was excessively grouchy or moody, he would gently remind me that I didn't, always, feel that way. Sometimes it was a joke. Other times it might be a hug and sweet encouraging comment.
- We learned the other person's love language and attempted to give them what they wanted. See: Speaking the Love Languages post.
Have you read Song of Songs or Song of Solomon? It is a book in the Bible that is full of sex! Have you read about Esther. She was chosen for The Miss King's Wife Pageant. To win, she had to learn how to be pleasing to the King. You got it, sexually! The Bible isn't afraid of sex. For HEAVEN'S sake, God created it didn't He? As I said above, the only thing that makes your relationship with your husband or your wife unique from relationships with others is sex.
I have to go back to the things I said we learned early in our marriage. Those didn't just happen. God was asked for help! I knew I didn't know how to make a marriage be all it could be. And, as wise as Joey is, he didn't either! Over a few months, he provided answer and after answer! This blog is not meant to be a brag session or the sing our praises at how wonderful I or we do things! It is meant to share what I have learned in this life. Again, it is to share what I have LEARNED! I assure you, there have been and will be plenty of mistakes. The good thing about mistakes is that you can learn from them. Maybe, someone out there is asking for help and this blog can give them some answers.
Things get yucky a little at a time, so don't expect things to be rosy overnight.
Remember that a captain turns a large ship slowly but surely. It does not spin on a dime! Our lives are like that. Change takes time but is soooo worth it!!! So, I pray that what ever has happened a little at a time to get you to a place where you are wanting something different, that you will begin to do some different things and watch life get better ... a little at a time!
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