Joey and I are blessed with three beautiful daughters, that are, at the writing of this note, 23, almost 20, and 17. They are very different young women even though they were raised in the same home. I think parents who have a boy and a girl blame those differences on the genders, but I have come to see that it is EQUALLY just individuality!
One thing I realized very quickly, when we brought our first home, was that there was not a specific "how to" book. Parenting is on-the-job training! I knew , from my teaching experience, what I didn't want my children to act like and what I would prefer. How to get there was a question yet to answer. Most of us do one of two things: We parent "JUST LIKE WE WERE PARENTED" or "WE GO THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE DIRECTION!" I decided to ask my students what went on in their homes. I also read every thing I could get my hands on! By the time Jade was 3, I had already read, Dobson's. "The Strong-Willed Child" if that tells you anything. I had convinced myself that my child would never tell me "no!" Haha! I have read several of John Rosemond's (is that how to spell his name?) books and Jade and Holly will tell you they hate him! I still read books and articles about parenting.
Joey and I are NOT perfect parents by ANY stretch but have done our best to mix love and discipline - the best style of parenting.
I believe that there are four basic style of parents:
PARENTING STYLE 1-- Those who love, love, love but do not discipline. They give lots of stuff and give in to what the child wants. You have seen these kids throw a fit in the store and Mom or Dad give in and give the child what he/she wants. What has the child learned? If I throw a fit...I get what I want. The older they get, the fits do not go away and the result of this style of parenting is a spoiled rotten brat!
PARENTING STYLE 1-- Those who love, love, love but do not discipline. They give lots of stuff and give in to what the child wants. You have seen these kids throw a fit in the store and Mom or Dad give in and give the child what he/she wants. What has the child learned? If I throw a fit...I get what I want. The older they get, the fits do not go away and the result of this style of parenting is a spoiled rotten brat!
PARENTING STYLE 2 is when parents are strong on the discipline side but not at the love/encouragement side of parenting a child. This can look several ways: Some parents are just mean. They are harsh and rarely, if ever say a kind word to their kid(s). Sometimes this can include many spankings, sometimes spanking isn't needed to be negative and damaging.
Other parents DRIVE their kids too much and end up as a Style2 parent. They expect "perfection!"- Straight As, Athletic Star, Dance Star, Perfect Little Actress, Perfect Little Gymnast, Piano lessons, and/or any of the above! When do kids get to be kids? The harsh schedule and high expectations are as harsh as the harsh words of the mean parent and often times the fast-paced schedule causes this parent to be harsh too! Drive, drive, drive the child!!!
What kind of child results from this type of parenting? We get an angry child who, often, will express the anger as a rage- or drown it with alcohol and/or drugs. Sometimes you get a child who is expressing the stress via depression.
I am not sure why so many parents have to call their kids names? Or, on the other hand think their kids have to be involved in activities four, five, six and seven days each week and have straight As and be in every church activity and volunteer 5-10 hours per week and go to Harvard or Yale...
I am not sure why so many parents have to call their kids names? Or, on the other hand think their kids have to be involved in activities four, five, six and seven days each week and have straight As and be in every church activity and volunteer 5-10 hours per week and go to Harvard or Yale...
How about showing some love and encouragement? How about building a relationship by playing tag or throwing a ball for fun or flipping them around in the floor or jumping with them on the trampoline?! slow down and live a little! When did your kids' success become your own? When did it become okay to never tell them they did a god job!
If you work on this, then, when they are in college they will want you around sometimes! Even though WE HAVE MADE SOME HUGE MISTAKES AND SO HAVE our girls, they still like to hang out with us and our friends from time to time!!!!! And, if you have made mistakes, so far, it's NEVER TOO LATE TO SAY YOU ARE SORRY!
If you work on this, then, when they are in college they will want you around sometimes! Even though WE HAVE MADE SOME HUGE MISTAKES AND SO HAVE our girls, they still like to hang out with us and our friends from time to time!!!!! And, if you have made mistakes, so far, it's NEVER TOO LATE TO SAY YOU ARE SORRY!
The 3rd STYLE OF PARENTING is when there is no love/encouragement nor is there discipline. This can be because the parent is not in the child's life at all or because the parent is too involved with his/her own "stuff" to be bothered with dealing with a child!
As a teacher, and now a school counselor, I have had the sad experience of trying to help pick up the shattered pieces of the hearts of these young people. They often spend a great deal of their time wishing their life away -- Wishing that Mom and/or Dad cared more; wishing Mom and/or Dad would spend time with them; wishing Mom and/or Dad loved them; wishing they had a home like one of their friends!
The parents are too selfish and/or immature to put their own needs aside in order to take care of their own children. They often put things like jobs, hobbies, friends, dating, golf, and, yes, drugs, partying and alcohol over raising their babies! Babysitters, the oldest child, grandparents and nannies are left to do the parenting! NOTE: Dating for Mom and Dad can add to the health of a marriage, but NOT so much that your kids do not know you.
The resulting children are hurt, often angry and usually not connected well to adults. In the past, these were the youth that were the "delinquents." Now, any child can be considered at-risk. I believe this is because so many parents fall into the Style 1, 2, or 3 Parenting Categories.
30 Years ago when teens were asked the top three influences in their lives, they mentioned 1. Parents, then 2. and 3. someone from church and school. Now, 1. is Media, 2 is Peers and 3 is Parents. Numbers 1 and 2 compound each other today, because if the peers are all being influenced by the media, then the media has a VERY profound effect! Parents are still at the top of the list at number 3 to combat that.
If a child has a Style 1 and 3 parent ( that is a Loving and one that is NOT involved at all) where will the child get discipline? And, if a child has Styles 2 and 3 where will they get encouragement and love?
PARENTING STYLE 4: The best style is Style 4 and it is something you have to work at and IS NOT FAIL PROOF! In the end, children have freewill, just like Adam and Eve, just like you and me!
PARENTING STYLE 4: The best style is Style 4 and it is something you have to work at and IS NOT FAIL PROOF! In the end, children have freewill, just like Adam and Eve, just like you and me!
The best style of parenting but NOT necessarily the easiest, is Style 4. This is when parents mix equal doses of love/encouragement with discipline. It is important for children to know what the rules are and for the rules to be enforced with as much consistency at possible and it is important to know that Mom and Dad love them and accept them!
Discipline--When a boundary is crossed, a consequence that is reasonable for that infringement should be given. I call these logical and reasonable consequences. Yelling and screaming DO NOT COUNT! Corporal punishment for EVERYTHING? That may not be the best idea? Here are some other options: time out, standing in the corner, writing sentences (I HATED THAT!), no TV, no Cell Phone, No spending the night away for a while, extra chores, go to their room (where there is no TV, radio, computer, Play Station...) and so on. The removal of privileges often "grounds" Mom and Dad too! The loss of privileges needs to be more than one night!
I am not saying NOT to use corporal punishment. I am taking the stance that I have heard from much that I have read and that is to save corporal punishment for out and out defiance ONLY! Then, if you chose to use it, at a certain age its effectiveness goes away. The grounding for longer period of time works better.
I am not saying NOT to use corporal punishment. I am taking the stance that I have heard from much that I have read and that is to save corporal punishment for out and out defiance ONLY! Then, if you chose to use it, at a certain age its effectiveness goes away. The grounding for longer period of time works better.
Sometimes the lesson can be one they learn on their own. I had a professor who said she had argued and argued for her middle school son to wear a jacket and finally she let him go out one cold morning without one. She watched him at the bus stop as he jumped up and down with arms crossed. After she quit arguing, he started wearing his jacket on his own! We need to learn that some things are not worth arguing about!
What are some things we have done? Our youngest had a hard time learning to be quiet in school. If she came home with a sad face she went to her room for the entire evening (except dinner and bath time). If she had a straight face, she went for an hour. This went on the first month or so of school and until 4th grade. She finally got it and never had conduct issues again!
Similarly, our eldest (when in 8th grade) was grounded to her room for and entire grading period except for weekends, when she could play with her two little sisters. This was because we were tired of her having bad grades for half the term, having some privileges taken away, and then pulling the grades up. We got the idea of the grounding to her room for so long from one of Rosemond's books.
And, finally, I actually went in a got our middle daughter out of a theater and then grounded her for a long time, because she and a friend were meeting boys before she was old enough to do so. Her Dad and I found out about it. I was nice to the young man she sat by and even introduced myself. The manager of the theater offered her her money back and we wouldn't let him return it- A consequence of the wrong choice. The next week she wanted to know if she could go to the school dance. The others went but she didn't get to. Why? We told her she gave up the "'legal" putting for an "illegal" one!
Similarly, our eldest (when in 8th grade) was grounded to her room for and entire grading period except for weekends, when she could play with her two little sisters. This was because we were tired of her having bad grades for half the term, having some privileges taken away, and then pulling the grades up. We got the idea of the grounding to her room for so long from one of Rosemond's books.
And, finally, I actually went in a got our middle daughter out of a theater and then grounded her for a long time, because she and a friend were meeting boys before she was old enough to do so. Her Dad and I found out about it. I was nice to the young man she sat by and even introduced myself. The manager of the theater offered her her money back and we wouldn't let him return it- A consequence of the wrong choice. The next week she wanted to know if she could go to the school dance. The others went but she didn't get to. Why? We told her she gave up the "'legal" putting for an "illegal" one!
As far as love and encouragement, kids can NEVER hear "I love you" enough! Tell them often. Do NOT assume they know! Tell them stories of when you were young so they know who your are and where you have been. Tell them stories of when they were little. Talk about your day and ask about theirs. Act silly with them and play games with them. That way, when there are things that bother them, they will trust you! Also, when things get dicey in adolescence there will be an unbreakable bond between you!
Let me promise you, things can get very dicey! You may or may NOT know about it! But, in my 24 years of working with adolescents, very few teens make it through to the age of 21-25 without making some bad choices. Age 21-25 is when the frontal lobe of the brain, which is the decision making part of the brain, matures!
Let me promise you, things can get very dicey! You may or may NOT know about it! But, in my 24 years of working with adolescents, very few teens make it through to the age of 21-25 without making some bad choices. Age 21-25 is when the frontal lobe of the brain, which is the decision making part of the brain, matures!
If the bonds are there between parent and teen and the disciple and rules were taught, then the chances of a RESPECTFUL, RESPONSIBLE, RESOURCEFUL adult are higher! That is the role of a parent, to train up a child in the way they should go! Not easy, no guide book, and takes constant self evaluation!
If you look at yourself and think, "Oh no, I have not been doing a good job of parenting like style 4, IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO START!
If you look at yourself and think, "Oh no, I have not been doing a good job of parenting like style 4, IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO START!
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